I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
