sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
