I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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