They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
