I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
