Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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