How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
