We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
