Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
