Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
