I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
