if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize