The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
