There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Boobs are out for the taking
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
