your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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