is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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