I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize