He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
