she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
