I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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