Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Thank you for not boning my boss.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize