Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
