I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
