ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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