Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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