true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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