your thong is hanging out like whoa
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
