we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
