I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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