why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
