You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
