dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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