I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
