Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
someone threw a dead crab at me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
