this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
