my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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