Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
