I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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