don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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