I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I still have a little drunk in my system
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
