It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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