if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
