my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
