and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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