I just pynch a tree in the face
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize