Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
