saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
