Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
