Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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