I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
