So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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