he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
