One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
