im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
