Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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