I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize