You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
